Holy crap how old is this account?

Major rehaul in order. Like. Yea.

Okay...first of all, rain forest cafe lightning glasses = fucking bad ass.

Second of all...I somehow have lost 27 lbs since October.

JESUS CHRIST. I don't even know what I've done.

Course I probably gained half of it back at Rainforest tonight. Happy birthday to mom.

Thank you, that is all.

RAWR

What ... you never just needed to rawr?

Believe me... I needed a good rawr.


So...RAWR.

You know bloggy thingy, when you get it right you get it right.

You Are 31% American

America: You don't love it or want to leave it. But you wouldn't mind giving it an extreme make over. On the 4th of July, you'll fly a freak flag instead... And give Uncle Sam a sucker punch!

Look I'm tired but I can't sleep. I'm sad but I can't stand to examine that any longer...so I'm subjecting myself and whomever else meanders across this page to random blog thing a mabobs....

Your Five Factor Personality Profile

Extroversion: You have high extroversion. You are outgoing and engaging, with both strangers and friends. You truly enjoy being with people and bring energy into any situation. Enthusiastic and fun, you're the first to say "let's go!" Conscientiousness: You have low conscientiousness. Impulsive and off the wall, you don't take life too seriously. Unfortunately, you sometimes end up regretting your snap decisions. Overall, you tend to lack focus, and it's difficult for you to get important things done. Agreeableness: You have high agreeableness. You are easy to get along with, and you value harmony highly. Helpful and generous, you are willing to compromise with almost anyone. You give people the benefit of the doubt and don't mind giving someone a second chance. Neuroticism: You have medium neuroticism. You're generally cool and collected, but sometimes you do panic. Little worries or problems can consume you, draining your energy. Your life is pretty smooth, but there's a few emotional bumps you'd like to get rid of. Openness to experience: Your openness to new experiences is high. In life, you tend to be an early adopter of all new things and ideas. You'll try almost anything interesting, and you're constantly pushing your own limits. A great connoisseir of art and beauty, you can find the positive side of almost anything.

You Are a Newborn Soul

You are tolerant, accepting, and willing to give anyone a chance. On the flip side, you're easy to read and easily influenced by others. You have a fresh perspective on life, and you can be very creative. Noconformist and nontraditional, you've never met anyone who's like you. Inventive and artistic, you like to be a trendsetter. You have an upbeat spirit and you like almost everything. You make friends easily and often have long standing friendships. Implusive and trusting, you fall in love a little too easily. Souls you are most compatible with: Bright Star Soul and Dreaming Soul

Your Values Profile

Loyalty: You value loyalty a fair amount. You're loyal to your friends... to a point. But if they cross you, you will reconsider your loyalties. Staying true to others is important to you, but you also stay true to yourself. Honesty: You value honesty a fair amount. You're honest when you can be, but you aren't a stickler for it. If a little white lie will make a situation more comfortable, you'll go for it. In the end, you mostly care about "situational integrity." Generosity: You value generosity highly. So much so that you often put your own needs last. There's nothing wrong with having a caring heart... But you may want to rethink your "open wallet" policy. Humility: You value humility a fair amount. You tend to be an easy going, humble person. But occasionally your ego takes over. You have a slight competitive streak - and the need to be the best. Tolerance: You value tolerance highly. Not only do you enjoy the company of those very different from you... You do all that you can to seek it out interesting and unique friends. You think there are many truths in life, and you're open to many of them.

One of my friends once told me knowing something will happen doesn't make it happening any easier.

The fact of the matter is, I've suspected that Mark had a little crush on this in game girl for a couple weeks now. He logs her character in when she isn't there so he can get her exp. When she is home they're always grouping, though granted when I played on the same server I was there too.

But he was happier again. Much happier then I'd seen him in a really long time. All the stupid things he used to do like poke me and mess around with me he was doing again. And I remembered back when we first met and when he was first here he was like that. I remembered how much I'd missed this part of him.

And then tonight he called me baby. Offhand, automatic. I gave him his dinner which I'd bought and laid out for him and he said "Thanks, baby," as if it was the most natural thing in the world. And I was so confused.

This little ride has been a rollercoaster I'll tell you. How do you want someone so badly that you don't ACTUALLY want?

So tonight I stumbled out of bed towards the bathroom and I hear his tone in the other room. That tone, again, like he used to use all the time. The somewhat seductive, wonderous tone of a person feeling something more for someone for the very first time. He was telling her that something she'd done in game had just sent a surge through him.

I didn't really stay to hear it all. I didn't have to. I've heard the same words (not verbatum) come out of his mouth before.

I told him once that I couldn't help the way I felt about him. I told him that I knew it was going to break my heart a thousand times over, but what could I do about it? It's not his fault and I can't make it go away.

I feel like he's cheating on me...like I should march in there and yell and scream and demand an explanation. But I have no right to one. And the crappiest thing about this all is that I don't even WANT him. I know how bad he would be as a boyfriend. I've almost always known that. Why can't that make this hurt less?

Mostly I feel like I just really miss that person he was. I think the real him is the person that comes out when he's got someone to adore, when all these tender feelings are running through him. That's what he used to be...tender. I miss that the most. It's hard knowing this person you've missed so much is just in the next room but inaccessable to you except in a handfull of moments.

But also there's a sense of relief. I've been living in dread of this day and here it is. All in all, well I'm not going to die. I know this isn't the last day it's going to hurt, but at least it's a beginning of an end. A closure of types, if this situation deserves closure.

I couldn't find anyone to talk to at this late hour so I turned to the stars...who were surprisingly helpful about the matter:

Pretending you aren't disturbed by what's going on will just lead to another bout of repressing. Recognize the truth of your feelings and deal with them instead of hoping that they'll just go away.

Pla-kate
Pla-kete

tee hee.

See...this is funny because at Target work the other day the LOD Danny ... oh quick side note, hold that thought.

Danny is one of the leads...the one that you don't call out on because he's mean about it. And I didn't like him.

And then he was back by the Operator booth on Thursday and was talking about the Star Wars shirts. I said I bought the one with the lightsaber on the front that says "It's not the Jedi way!"

He said "Yea but it's the wrong lightsaber... It's Luke's blade with Darth Vader's hilt."

Now come on. How can I dislike someone who says that in casual conversation?!

But ALEXIS, you take it too far... and Noel will back me up on this one... the guy may have gone up a few notches in my book but I am NOT going to have an Orgy with him in the women's dressing room...The idea makes me ill...although the line "hey baby, wanna see my lightsaber" would so get me into bed usually....

ANYWAY.

So Danny was back at the dressing room, about to start the huddle...and the Mupphet show came up. And Danny said he would be one of those crabby guys in the audience. And I was thinking I'd probably be Chef...and LOOKY HERE:

You Are the Swedish Chef

"Bork! Bork! Bork!" Your happy and energetic - with borderline manic tendencies. No one really gets you. And frankly, you don't even get you. But, you sure can whip up a great chocolate mousse

Coincidence? I think not.

Did I spell that right?

Whined my kitten as I sat up to type.

He had been resting comfortably across my chest again. Now he's sitting on my lap meowling at me accusingly. Whiner!

Go to your music player of choice and put it all on "shuffle." Say the following questions aloud, and after each one press play. Use the song title as the answer to the question.

What do you think of me random music player?: "Kiss From a Rose" Seal (oh really)

Will I have a long and happy life?: "Last Train Home" - Lost Prophets (Well...I guess that's a good thing?)

What do my friends really think of me?: "Paper Bag" - Fiona Apple (He... "I know Im a mess he don't wanna clean up")

What does my S/O think of me?: "In Need" - Sheryl Crow (Well...why didn't he say so!?!?!)

Do people secretly lust after me?: "Hit That" - The Offspring (LMAO...you know you want to hit that)

How can I make myself happy?: "The Whole Night" - Ani DiFranco (ROTFL ooooh yea baby)

What should I do with my life?: "Warning" - Incubus(She called out a warning: don't ever let life pass you by!)

Why must life be so full of pain?: "Big Yellow Taxi" - Counting Crows (You don't know what you got til it's gone)

Will I ever have (more) children?: "The Bad Touch" - Bloodhound gang (well...that's definatly the way to GET them)

Will I die happy?: "#1 Crush" - Garbage (If I die for "you" I suppose I would die happy)

Can you give me some advice?: "Changes" - 2Pac (Right on brotha)

What do you think happiness is?: "Forgot About Dre" - Dr Dre and Eminem (lol)

Do you have any advice to give over the next few hours/days?: "I Like Big Butts" - Sir Mix Alot (so I should shake it, shake it, shake it...shake that healthy butt?)

The above was a warning to my bratty cat who woke me this morning by batting at my face...claws extended...though not very hard.

I love this cat.

Anyway. It's early, pre-work on a Thursday morning. I hate Thursdays for the following reasons:

I work at Target
I work at the operator/fitting room booth at Target (which means not only am I working tonight but there's no chance of my shift being easy or shorter as it usually is because my boss Misty is cool like that)...so I'm DEFINATLY there until 10. Poo.
I get to miss My Name Is Earl which, aside from the Daily Show and the Colbert report is the only thing on television I REALLY want to watch.

I need Tivo.

Anyway.

It occured to me (again) that I've been working for five years. You know that question you get asked at interviews? "Where do you see yourself in five years?"

This was not the answer.

At this point it's really not a big deal. But in another five years.... Yea. Well. Let's see how all that goes.

I gotta get dressed. Stop distracting me :-p

I feel what I can only described as hideously alone.

And the pathetic thing is that it all revolved around the stupid game of all things.

So long story short I was watching Saved! and was vaguely amused by the cheering going on ("are you down with G-O-D?!"). In fact, that's almost exactly what I typed in guild chat. "Are you down with G-O-D!? hehe"

Now, mind you I realize my views on religion may be insulting to others, but even if I had been an ultra christian these words would not have upset me. Because it was corny. And corny things are funny because they are corny. Right? Glad you're coming with me on this one.

SO. The next word out of a higher ranking guild official's mouth? Essentially, talk like that should be reserved for the "streets" and not for Guild chat.

Fuck you, I thought.

But simply said. "It's a movie quote"

To which was replied. "Don't make me say it again."

To which I thought...no really, fuck you? Fine. This is the second time I've been reprimanded, although the first time in public and I live my life holding my tongue and anyone who knows me knows that is the BEST way to piss me off. So I quit. People with an attitude like that shouldn't be in power in virtual OR real life. Whatever.

But when one has views that make sheep shudder one gets used to reactions like this. To which one says... fuck you...and either leaves the conversation or engages in some honest debate for the not so alturistic purpose of making people squirm and challenging thier thinking.

But bottom line is I have three friends in this life. Those friends I do expect to at least sympathize or empathize or at least understand my plight. Jenny did, and she was closest of all to this whole drama. I'm her best friend. She's always wanted me in her guild. Locky (the "fuck you" party) is a good friend of hers too. But she understood why I did what I did. She wasn't angry. Ali I'm guessing probably would have been angry for me, but if not would also understand.

But Mark? Ooooh no. Of course not. He lectured me on how it wasn't right of me to make other people uncomfortable in that kind of setting just like I wouldn't do it at work. I just don't know what everyone in the guild believes in, he said. I don't know who I'm insulting. First of all, if someone gets insulted that I made fun of something corny just because the word GOD exsisted in the sentance...well that's pathetic. Second of all, aren't you mister hold everyone to what they SHOULD be doing? Do you think people SHOULD talk like that to someone, in public no less, for something so insanely miniscule? I mean for fucks sake, I say enough blasphemos things, he could have waited and actually caught me when I DESERVED it at some point. Just sit there and don't say what you want to say, this is his motto.

So fuck him too.

And I feel lonely. You know, with Everquest I was in a guild that at least found me funny. And if I had said the same thing in chat it would have sparked a joking debate on televangilists no doubt. Everyone would have laughed. Like minded people.

And I guess it doesn't help that Jennifer has stumbled on to a new love. The girl is like sunshine, I can understand why people are so attracted to her...but I can't help but think, hey in the four years I've known her there have been no shortage of men dotting on her. Why not one for me? A little connection. Someone to adore me, if only for a moment. Am I just so unlikeable.

I know, but it does feel that way...

In any event...
"All I Really Want"
ALANIS MORISSETTE

Do I stress you out
My sweater is on backwards and inside out
And you say how appropriate
I don't want to dissect everything today
I don't mean to pick you apart you see
But I can't help it
There I go jumping before the gunshot has gone off
Slap me with a splintered ruler
And it would knock me to the floor if I wasn't there already
If only I could hunt the hunter

And all I really want is some patience
A way to calm the angry voice
And all I really want is deliverance
Do I wear you out
You must wonder why I'm so relentless and all strung out
I'm consumed by the chill of solitary
I'm like Estella
I like to reel it in and then spit it out
I'm frustrated by your apathy
And I am frightened by the corrupted ways of this land
If only I could meet the Maker

And I am fascinated by the spiritual man
I am humbled by his humble nature
What I wouldn't give to find a soulmate
Someone else to catch this drift
And what I wouldn't give to meet a kindred
Enough about me, let's talk about you for a minute
Enough about you, let's talk about life for a while
The conflicts, the craziness and the sound of pretenses
Falling all around...all around
Why are you so petrified of silence
Here can you handle this?

Did you think about your bills, your ex, your deadlines
Or when you think you're gonna die
Or did you long for the next distraction
And all I need know is intellectual intercourse
A soul to dig the hole much deeper
And I have no concept of time other than it is flying
If only I could kill the killer

All I really want is some peace man
a place to find a common ground
And all I really want is a wavelength
All I really want is some comfort
A way to get my hands untied
And all I really want is some justice...